Six signs that co-dependency is affecting your life.

 So, what is co-dependency all about?

Co-dependency occurs in relationships where the unhealthy behavior/relationship dynamics of one person are supported by the other person in the relationship. Your identity, emotional stability and happiness is intrinsically connected to the other person.  This dynamic can create uncomfortable feelings such as fear of abandonment, guilt, anxiety and loss of self… not things you want to feel in a functional relationship! Don’t make the mistake of thinking that co-dependency is limited to intimate relationships…this problem can extend to friendships, family dynamics and even workplaces. Here are 6 things to look for that might show some co-dependency:


You feel guilty.

This can occur because you have placed the needs of others above your own, you feel the need to pacify/please others and may have lost a sense of what you want, or the guilt of doing what you want prevents you from doing it.

You feel jealous.
If you are co-dependent, you may have found significant value in being an important person in the other’s life. You may even feel you are the best person for them to be around, or the best person to support them in all aspects of their life. So, if they spend time with others, you may feel jealous, or as though you are being set aside for a better option.

You feel overly responsible. 
Sometimes in a co dependent relationship, it can be difficult to identify where you finish and they other person begins, which can make it hard to work out what is your responsibility, and what is the other person’s responsibility. This can lead to you wanting to fix any negative emotions they might experience.

You have a hard time identifying what you need.
If you’ve been overly focused on what the other person needs, you may have forgotten what you need altogether, which can feel quite lonely.

You fear abandonment.
Because you may have wrapped up a lot of your self-worth and identity in others, you may fear abandonment… if they leave, what happens to your sense of self? This constant fear can drive behavior, like dishonesty, which can cause further destruction to the relationship.

You continually seek out approval.
When your identity is fragile, it is difficult to see yourself outside of other’s opinions. Seeking approval is often comforting in co-dependent relationships because it eases anxiety around abandonment.  
 
What to do?

1. Be honest with yourself. If you recognize these qualities or problems in yourself, just be honest about it. Staying in denial is only going to keep these dynamics in your life and won’t serve you well in the long term.
2. Do a qualities & values analysis of yourself. What are your unique qualities? What are your values that you want to uphold going forward? These things will help you determine your needs, set some clear goals and stay on track.
3. Seek counselling. Counselling is a safe place where you can explore some of the reasons why you find yourself in this situation and can also help you set goals and stay accountable to changes you want to make.
4. Connect with healthy relationships. If you’ve been isolated because of a co dependence relationship, make sure you start re-investing back in with those people with whom you can have a healthy connection. 

Photo by drmakete lab on Unsplash