STONEWALLING… WHAT IS IT AND WHY IS IT SO TOXIC?
 
All relationships experience degrees of conflict at one time or another. How we navigate these conflicts though, is often predictive of the success of our relationships.
 
The Gottman Institute describes 4 ‘Horsemen’ of relationships and how they might signal trouble when it comes to healthy communication. These four horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. In today’s blog, we will take a look at stonewalling… what it is, and why its SO toxic.
 
Stonewalling is generally described as creating distance and separation in a relationship through withdrawing and closing down communication. This is usually done as a way to avoid conflict. Stonewalling is often a response to overwhelm… so disengagement feels like the best option. However, this response can actually increase stress and negative hormonal responses for both parties, the one shutting down, as well as the one being shut out.
 
Imagine if someone built an ACTUAL wall in front of you… not just a metaphorical one. You could no longer hear them, understand them, see, feel, or touch them. This is what metaphorically happens with stonewalling. Generally speaking, men are more likely to be stonewallers in a relationship, and women more likely to stay engaged. However, if a female in heterosexual relationship is a stonewaller, this is highly predictive of divorce.

​If you’re stonewalling someone, you’re likely to be doing the following:

• When your partner/friend expresses concern, you first feel defensive.
• You avoid arguing/conflict .
• You're willing to jeopardize the relationship in order to be right.
• You're fixated with staying out of trouble.
• You're more interested in avoiding conflict than you are with solving problems.

 
Stonewalling can go beyond just feeling hurtful or frustrating, some say it is a form of abuse. Consistently stonewalling someone can a sense in the other that they have no value. It has an impact on their well being and self-esteem. Common feelings include worthlessness, powerlessness, and hopelessness. Usually, if there has been significant stonewalling in the relationship, the person will need mental health support. Whilst the intent may not be malicious, the results of stonewalling are similar to that of emotional abuse, that is, it is demeaning, disrespectful, and devaluing of the person being stonewalled.
 
Consider this horseman… are you hurting yourself or others with stonewalling behavior?
 
References:
Arangua, M. (2019). Is stonewalling a form of abuse? https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/relations/is-stonewalling-a-form-of-abuse/
Lisitsa, E. (n.d.). The four horsemen: The antidotes.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/

power
noun
“The capacity or ability to direct or influence the behavior of others or the course of events.”

Within church culture, there has been a long history of sexual abuse. Unfortunately, many victims have had their lives left in tatters after the shattering experience of a trusted, influential, and powerful person taking such advantage of their position.

Recently, there has been much in the media regarding child victims of sexual abuse in the church. Fortunately, the Royal Commission has shed light and given a voice to many of these victims.

One of the very misunderstood and overlooked populations of church sexual abuse victims are those who are abused as adults. It is estimated that in an average 400-strong church community in the US, 32 people will have been victims of clergy sexual misconduct (Chaves & Garland, 2009). In their study on clergy sexual abuse of adults, Chaves & Garland found that since turning 18, 3.1% of all female congregants reported a sexual advance from a married leader of the church. In the light of this year’s #metoo campaign, it is noteworthy that a silent pool of church victims is yet to be acknowledged.

Unfortunately, these victims are often shunned by the church community, and labelled as trouble makers, seducers or traitors of the church. Language, such as 'misconduct' or 'stumbling', distances the abusive behaviour from reality, but not calling it out for what it is. There is great disparity between the view of onlookers and the experience of the victim. One of the key reasons for this is the misunderstanding surrounding the question of consent between pastors/counselors/priests and their congregants. Here are some of the issues to consider:

• Church leaders are in a position of power.

Like many community roles, such as teachers, doctors, and psychologists, church leaders/church counsellors/priests have a unique position of power over those whom they serve. This power is only further enhanced by what many would describe as a God given position (see point 3). Being in a position of power means that a person is automatically both more likely to agree with you, and less likely to advocate for themselves.  We need only to look at Stanley Milgram's experiments on authority to see that, on average, 60% of every day, average people, will give someone a deathly electric shock if instructed by a person of authority (google it!). This holding of a position of power creates an ethical obligation on behalf of the empowered person, to ensure that they never use their power for their own personal gain, particularly at the expense of the other, and especially in a sexual way. Further, the position of power draws in to question the ability for the other to make clear, consenting decisions. 

• Often the victims are vulnerable.

Those who seek the support of church leaders are often, by their very nature, in a place of vulnerability. People will commonly go to their church leaders and disclose the most intimate details of their lives, offering trust that they have never offered to anyone else. They may need support in their lonely or abusive marriage, for struggles with sexuality, for guidance on major life decisions, or look to for comfort in times of grief and loss. This vulnerability often goes hand in hand with mental health difficulties, such as depression and anxiety. So, a combination of these mental health issues, life challenges and vulnerabilities makes sexual contact an abuse, and any consent to sexual behavior murky, at best.

• God trumps everything.

For those who have been raised in a church, the authority of God is seen as absolute. And those who work in church are often viewed as God’s representative of that authority. There is commonly an unspoken rule to not question those who speak from the pulpit. Powerful words like “God told me…”, or “Jesus has put me in your life because…” are often used against victims of sexual assault to further confuse and imbalance the relationship. These types of manipulations increase a person’s vulnerability to doubting their own instincts or intuition. Someone put under this type of pressure is also less likely to stand up for themselves, as submission to the ‘will of God’ is critical to remaining in favour. So now a layer of spiritual abuse is added to the sexual abuse. 

These three areas – power, vulnerability and the authority of God are some of the key reasons why consent for sexual activity between a pastor and parishioner is impossible.

​So, what happens when an adult is a victim of clergy sexual abuse? As you would expect, the consequences are devastating and often life-long, including:

• Loss of church community, faith & social networks
• Emotional turmoil, emotional detachment & cognitive confusion
• Financial loss due to inability to work
• Hypervigilance, fear, shame and rage
• Isolation and emptiness
• Guilt and self-blame
• Sexual dysfunction & broken sexuality
• Mistrust of authority
• Depression
• Self-harm
• Suicide

For more information on adults abused by clergy, you can go here Adults Abused by Clergy and here Clergy Sexual Misconduct

If this post has caused you emotional difficulties, and you feel you need support, please make use of the following resources:

Lifeline 13 11 14
Beyond Blue 1300 224 636

Sometimes it can be difficult to identify if you are in an abusive situation… particularly when you love the person you are with, and they express love to you.

Here are 6 signs you might be in a cycle of abuse:

1. Your partner doesn’t like you spending time with other people, and actively tries to isolate you from family and friends. Your partner feels like they should be enough to meet all your needs and resents if you need anything from anyone else. Sometimes they also like to control what you eat, wear and how much money you have.
2. Your partner puts you down, belittles you and makes fun of your thoughts/personality/body/hopes and dreams. You often feel like you are hopeless or worthless because of they way you are spoken to. Sometimes this is then followed by your partner praising you for the thing they just criticised you for.
3. You often feel confused about your reality because your partner denies having said things or twists your words into something you didn’t say or mean. You feel powerless to explain yourself or to understand what has happened and feel exhausted by trying to work out reality/truth.
4. You find yourself ‘walking on eggshells’… you are careful about what you do, who you see and what you say, because you don’t know if it is going to ‘set off’ your partner. Seemingly small things will send your partner in to a rage – it could be the tone of your voice, or what you cooked for dinner. Its hard for you to know what will trigger this anger.
5. After an explosion, your partner expresses remorse and may supply you with gifts and loving words. Commonly you hear things like “it will never happen again, I love you so much”, or "please don't leave me, I couldn't live without you.". You often feel guilty after these experiences, because you question whether it was your fault to begin with, and you feel selfish if you stand up for what you need, especially after they have apologised for it.  
6. You seem to have ‘honeymoon’ phases, where everything is ok, things are calm, but they are always followed by a build-up of tension and an escalation to a confrontation. These honeymoon phases make you feel like everything will be ok, if only you can keep the tension at bay.  You just have to make sure your partner is happy. You feel a lot of hope and relief during this period of your relationship, but inevitably, the tension comes again.

 
If these sound familiar, you may want to look into understanding the cycle of abuse a bit more. You can find details here: CYCLE OF ABUSE  Remember, abuse doesn’t always equal violence… you can be emotionally, sexually and financially abused as well. If this post has left you feeling unstable, or like you need support, please reach out for help. 
 
Important contacts:
 
1800 respect: 1800 737 732 www.1800respect.org.au
Lifeline: 131114 www.lifeline.org.au
Relationships Australia 1300 364 277 www.relationships.org.au
 
You can also contact your local police station and speak with a Domestic Violence Liaison Officer (DVLO). A DVLO will:
-Provide you with information about the Apprehended Violence Order process
-Support victims of domestic and family violence through the court process
-Assist victims to access other relevant local support services
www.domesticviolence.nsw.gov.au/get-help/police