 6 months ago, my otherwise healthy mum passed away from an aggressive cancer that had been diagnosed 4 months earlier. A month before she passed, my beautiful puppy Hugo, 14 years old, passed from complications of cancer. It was a heavy start to 2025. The world doesn’t stop moving because we are in grief. So, working out how to live and grieve at the same time comes with plenty of errors, self-compassion and adjustments. There are times I have wanted to turn away from my complicated feelings of grief and loss. I’ve not always wanted to carry the heaviness. I haven’t always wanted to process the guilt (did I do enough for her?), or the anger (why didn’t that Dr look at her Xray instead of sending her home with antibiotics), or the sadness (I don’t want to go on a walk by myself, I want to see Hugo’s happy waggy tail and see the world with all his innocence and enthusiasm). But grief calls us to feel. To accept and make space for the painful and complicated emotions of loss. To acknowledge their presence, care for and nurture ourselves while the feelings stay, and express in some way what our grief is trying to say. That is the mourning. Mourning is when we take the emotion and the felt experience of grief, and we turn it outwards. Tears. Journalling. Sharing memories. Holding a piece of their clothing. Having coffee at their favorite cafe. Donating to the RSPCA. Putting up photos. Lighting a candle. These small but meaningful expressions of loss are our mourning. They are how we keep our loved one close and with us, without being in denial of their loss. We love, we lose, we grieve, then we mourn. Be your own best friend, Ange 
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Recently I’ve had numerous conversations with people (mostly in their 20’s) experience distress due to their social media (insert tech platform here… reddit, Instagram, X) feeds. We are exposed more than ever to the distressing events of the world, and whether true or untrue, it feels like there are more human suffering moments than ever.
Here’s the dilemma that many have proposed to me: If this is the reality of how people are living right now, is it morally wrong of me to look away? Shouldn’t I be able to handle watching this, if someone else is living this awful life? Surely if I look away I’m choosing to be ignorant or actively ignoring human suffering? And, like most things, I think the answer is yes AND no. Yes, we should have a pretty good understanding of what is going on in the world. Its helpful to be politically and socially up to date (if you want to be). But do we need endless videos of human suffering over which we have little to no control? Possibly not. What is important is that you understand a couple of things about yourself: What is your tolerance level right now? And What can you do to mobilise some of your empathy into action. Once you move to a place of overwhelm, with thoughts such as ‘this is hopeless and nothing I do will make any difference’, you have entered the world of learned helplessness (that’s a separate blog). And learned helplessness is not a healthy psychological state. So, without wanting to overcomplicate or oversimplify this issue, I would check in on a few things:
Be your own best friend, Ange :) What would you like from therapy? How would you like life to look different? Its an important question I ask my clients when they first come to see me. We need to establish some direction, and to check if that direction is realistic. The most common answer? ‘I just want to be happy’. Happiness is a subjective emotional state. When studied, humans are notoriously poor at predicting what makes us happy. The World Happiness Report looks at 6 factors which contribute to our life evaluations. These are: GDP per capita, social support, healthy life expectancy, freedom, generosity, and absence of corruption. These factors appear to influence an individual’s evaluation of their own happiness. If you want to move to the happiest country on earth, book yourself a ticket to Finland (the top 7 are all held by northern European countries). Australia ranks 12th on these dimensions. Not bad. Pipped at the post by our cousins in New Zealand who come in strong at 8th place. Ancient Greeks had two concepts for happiness… Hedonic happiness (happiness derived from pleasure), and Eudiamonic happiness (happiness derived from meaning and purpose). My interest is in the Greek concept of Eudaimonic happiness. Meaning and purpose doesn’t need to be an all-encompassing passion… you don’t need to write a novel or solve a major world problem. Some days, my meaning and purpose is very granular and simple… I was kind to that person, or I shared my resources in a helpful way. By no means am I dismissive of hedonic happiness. Pleasurable activities, play and spontaneity are part of a well-balanced life, essential ingredients for emotional wellbeing. However, if our goal is to achieve a sense of hedonic happiness most of the time, our expectations may fall short… the reality is, if you check out a feelings wheel, we are simply far too emotionally complicated to sustain a happy emotion all the time. Typically, we measure happiness by checking how satisfied a person is with their life. Knowing your values and making decisions based on those values may be one protective factor in being able to score highly when someone next asks you how satisfied you are with life. For me, a healthy goal would be to maintain a sense of peace in life, regardless of where the happiness needle spins to on your feelings wheel.  Though my church days are long behind me, growing up, attending Sunday school, youth group and church was a regular part of my life. One of the key themes of the protestant belief system was forgiveness. We heard about it ALL the time. Forgive; you are forgiven, be a forgiver.
Nobody ever told me exactly what forgiveness was. That set me up for some serious errors in my belief system. Poor teaching and assumptions meant I allowed people to treat me poorly and I struggled with boundary setting, all in the name of forgiveness. Forgiveness meant forgetting. Forgiveness meant letting someone off the hook, not allowing consequences, and forgetting about my injury, pain or suffering. And if I ‘got it right’, forgiveness was a one-off act that was offered to my transgressor. Or so I thought. It wasn’t until my later years that I started to investigate forgiveness more thoroughly. Life had brought with it enough challenges, that it became important for me to learn how to effectively forgive myself and others. Here is what I have learned about forgiveness, and how to action it. WHAT FORGIVENESS IS AND WHAT IT ISNT:
A WAY FORWARD WITH FORGIVENESS Here is one script that you may find helpful in your forgiveness journey. ______________________________________________________ I acknowledge that I have been wronged, and that I have also wronged others. I acknowledge that forgiveness is an act of loving kindness that I choose to extend to myself. I choose to rid myself of the hook which is attached to me, that causes me ongoing pain and suffering. I recognise that to forgive, I must acknowledge that I am grieving the loss of hopes, dreams, or expectations. Today, I grieve the loss of (______________________________________________________) I choose not to avoid the pain of this loss and acknowledge that supressing this pain causes me more suffering. I freely choose to forgive. (take a mindful breath) I forgive you (take a mindful breath) I forgive you (take a mindful breath) I forgive you I acknowledge that in this moment of forgiveness, I am taking care of myself. I also acknowledge that I will need to practice this frequently, in order to free myself from emotions or ruminations which hold my life back. I reclaim my life and take a step towards the present moment. __________________________________________ Be kind to you, Ange Acknowledgement: I am grateful for the work of Dr Jennifer May in guiding some of the text for this post. Motivation is the process that moves us toward goal orientated behaviour. When motivation is low, there can be all sorts of issues… loss of self-esteem, frustration, and just not getting sh*t done, to name a few!
Motivation can be extrinsic (external incentives) and intrinsic (personal, internal incentives eg: joy/curiosity, fear). Whichever form it takes, the loss of motivation, stuckness and peaking of motivation are all perfectly normal human experiences. This may not impact you too much as you go through life, however for some people, loss of motivation, or even feeling hyper focused on a goal can be really impairing. There are loads of strategies to deal with this, but for the purpose of this blog post, I’m going to keep it simple. Here are a few steps to assist when motivation is feeling out of balance, or when you are feeling overwhelmed.
Breaking it down…
If you experience chronic low motivation, you may need to seek advice to assess whether this is mental health related, as issues such as depression, anxiety, and attention deficit can play a significant role in motivational dysregulation. Be kind to you, Ange Extra resource: The Pomodoro Timer Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) is a therapeutic framework for establishing vitality in our lives… to bring us to an appreciation of our aliveness, and to choose our actions based on values that establish deep meaning. At its core, ACT proposes that psychological flexibility is the way forward to experiencing this vitality. There are 6 elements of ACT which bind together to form what is known as the ‘hexaflex’… the six-sided diamond of psychological flexibility.  Each of these six areas (mindfulness, core values, committed action, self-as-context, thought defusion, and acceptance) can be summarized into a triflex… Three overarching areas to focus your personal development:
 When I consider the truly valuable decisions I have made in my life, those which had important consequences for myself and others, or have created a significant shift in my world, they are due to these factors. The ability to be mindful, to notice myself, to understand my values and act accordingly, to accept the presence by opening up to the unwanted instead of resisting the unwanted, and to understand my thoughts to be observed rather than clutched, these are the abilities which have allowed me to live a peaceful and meaningful life.
If you are in therapy, I encourage you to discuss psychological flexibility with your therapist. If you can’t do therapy, or don’t want to right now, there are loads of great resources to begin understanding (and importantly, applying) for your psychological flexibility. Be present, do what matters, open up. Be your own best friend, Ange __________________________________________________________ The sciency / resources bits: Flourish Mindfully resources (images supplied by flourish mindfully) ACT made simple, Dr Russ Harris ACT resources ACT is effective for reduction of depression ACT is effective for reducing anxiety ACT improves quality of life symptoms and some chronic health conditions ACT can assist with parenting by improving adaptive parenting strategies, lowering stress, reducing harshness and improving family cohesion Mindfulness (used in ACT framework) is associated with higher levels of relationship satisfaction The ability to tolerate uncertainty is a skill that supports our well being, and assists us to manage feelings of anxiety. This skill isn't necessarily something which arrives naturally to us as for the most part, our brain is wired to anticipate future events, and determine threats, so uncertainty is usually an uncomfortable place. However, it is guaranteed we will experience uncertainty in our lives... whether it is waiting to hear about a job we have applied for, waiting for a blood test report, not knowing where our next house will be, anticipating if our love is requited, or wanting to know when the death of a loved one who we are caring for will arrive... we are all going to face uncertainty.
LOW TOLERANCE TO UNCERTAINTY MIGHT LOOK LIKE:
These responses are associated with anxiety/anxiety related disorders, low levels of self-compassion and poor overall wellbeing. TOLERANCE TO UNCERTAINTY LOOKS LIKE:
EVIDENCE BASED STRATEGIES TO BUILD TOLERANCE TO UNCERTAINTY
For the first 40 years of my life, I considered self-compassion to be the enemy of my success and wellbeing. Being my own task master felt like the best way to deal with what I considered as inherent laziness, incompetence and lack of intelligence. These were challenges I felt would be overcome if I could critique myself strongly enough. I had very little framework or understanding for how life would look without my inner critic. I felt I would stop all together. This way of thinking was problematic from a number of perspectives… it continually led me down a path of burnout, it meant I did not recognize the abuse and poor treatment of others when it came my way (as it sounded so familiar to how I treated myself), it meant I consistently had poor boundaries with myself and others, and I failed to live a life centered on my values. Like most of us, I wanted a successful, fulfilling life with a peaceful undertone - and my reliance on self-criticism wasn’t tenable for those goals. Let me argue the case for a better way… self-compassion. What it is and what it isn’t: Self-compassion isn’t self-esteem (your evaluation of yourself). Self-compassion also isn’t self-pity. Self-compassion is the state of being aware of, and open to, one’s own suffering rather than avoiding difficult emotions. Then, extending non-judgmental kindness toward yourself, in recognition of the common human experience. We are all in this shit together, we all wrestle, and we are all imperfect. Self-compassion assumes we are ALL worthy of understanding. To avoid falling in to self-pity, true self compassion has three essential components: 1: A kindness to self in response to our suffering 2: Awareness of our common humanity – we do not suffer alone, and we are not imperfect alone; we have a shared human condition 3: Mindfulness: having a non-judgmental, non-catastrophizing approach to our imperfections and difficult life experiences I generally like to take a values-based approach to things in life, and I don’t assume that compassion is an important construct for everyone. One of the reasons I have worked hard to bring self-compassion to my life, is so that I can offer it in a sustainable way to others, because that matters to me. However, they are my values, not yours. What may interest you are some of the other benefits associated with self-compassion…here is what the research says:
So, regardless of whether your values center around your physical health, your relationships, your career, or your personal development, it seems that self-compassion offers something to everyone. Self-compassion is not weakness… it improves inner strength as you now have an internal ally, rather than an internal enemy. Be your own best friend… Ange PS: You might never be rid of your inner critic, but with improved skills in the self-compassion area, that part might get a little quieter and let you get on with the business of life. THIRD PARTY RESOURCES FOR SELF COMPASSION:
The Centre for Mindful Self Compassion Psychology Podcast: Kristen Neff REFERENCES/THE RESEARCH: Self compassion and emotional intelligence Self Compassion and health Self Compassion and coping Diagnostic Criteria: Illness Anxiety Disorder 300.7 (F45.21) You scan your body and notice your chest feels tight, and your heart rate increases. You wonder if you are having a heart attack. Its hard to breathe as well. But when you get advice from your doctor, they assure you your heart is in the fittest of health. Somehow that doesn’t feel reassuring. Maybe you are convinced that your body is weak and vulnerable? You constantly seek reassurance and check your body for signs of illness. You have a headache. It’s the third one this week, and you’re convinced you must have a brain tumor. Your doctor sends you for a scan, which shows nothing, so you get a second opinion. Still nothing. The doctors all reassure you there are no signs or other symptoms related to a brain tumor, but somehow the worry persists. Maybe a relative or friend had a brain tumor, so you tell yourself its possible that its happening to you too, and no one has found it yet. If you experience some of these issues, you may be showing the clinical signs of illness anxiety disorder. In the recent months of the Sydney lockdown (where I am located, and may be the same for other areas in lockdown), I’ve noticed an increase in clients presenting with health anxiety issues. Unsurprisingly, the emergency of the Delta Covid-19 variant seems to be playing a role in this particular mental health condition. This blog post aims to outline what illness anxiety is (as defined by the American Psychiatric Association using the DSM-v diagnostic criteria), and what evidence-based treatment exists. For those with illness anxiety, there will often be an experience a heightened fear of acquiring a severe medical illness. This fear exists often despite contrary medical advice, evidence, and information. These fearful thoughts are usually triggered by environmental feedback, or a misinterpretation of bodily sensations and may look like:
The good news is this particular brand of anxiety is treatable. Evidence suggests that psychoeducation (speak to your psychologist about this), emotional regulation strategies, exposure and response prevention, stress management strategies, cognitive behavioral therapy, and some pharmacotherapies can all provide great treatment outcomes. If you are one of the 74% of people who would prefer a cognitive psychology-based approach over a medication-based approach, then finding a good therapist experienced in administering cognitive behavioral therapy may be the way for you.  References:
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Cautionary statement for forensic use of DSM-5. In Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.books.9780890425596 Asmundson, G., Abramowitz, J.S., Richter, A.A., & Whedon, M. (2010). Health anxiety: Current perspectives and future directions. Current Psychiatry Reports, 12(1), 306-312. Springer Publishing Photo by Sammy Williams on Unsplash Anyone who has been a client of mine knows that I can harp on about self care, and anyone who knows me personally on any intimate level, knows this is has historically been a struggle street for me. I often get asked by friends, clients and colleagues what I do for self care, so I thought about compiling a list of what I do. What I do. Not what you should do, not a comprehensive list, not something I execute perfectly, or even as often as I wish, but these are some of my go-tos. Please note! I am an introvert, occasionally leaning towards ambivert… but definitely have strong introvert tendencies. You will notice that pattern emerging in this list, so all the extroverts out there, please feel free to comment with more extrovert-oriented ideas! Listen to music Take a walk Listen to podcasts by nurturing people/people I admire Make a chai tea Be in nature Say a lovingkindness prayer Give my husband a hug Have mindful moments Talk to my therapist Set healthy boundaries on my thoughts Set healthy boundaries with others Ditch toxic people Eat healthy, but also have some treats Minimise my alcohol consumption Contemplate and bring to my awareness my core values Get sunshine on my face and limbs Shower in the dark Say no Say yes Say “I’ll get back to you” Buy myself flowers Spend time on my own Draw a flower or leaf (as detailed as possible) Call someone from my cheer squad Cuddle my dog Tick something on my list that is an easy win Stretch/do a short yoga session Turn off my phone after work Aim for 7-9 hours of sleep Don’t sleep with my phone near my bed Unfollow people that make me self loathe, covet, or criticize Limit my screen time Check that my body, intuition, values and behaviour are lined up Listen to people who are smarter/wiser/more experienced than me, especially ones who love me Do a Tony Robbins power meditation Watch something funny/silly Do a wheel of awareness meditation with Dan Siegel Order healthy meals for the week to take a break from cooking  Photo by Ayaneshu Bhardwaj on Unsplash
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