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What would you like from therapy? How would you like life to look different? Its an important question I ask my clients when they first come to see me. We need to establish some direction, and to check if that direction is realistic. The most common answer? ‘I just want to be happy’. Happiness is a subjective emotional state. When studied, humans are notoriously poor at predicting what makes us happy. The World Happiness Report looks at 6 factors which contribute to our life evaluations. These are: GDP per capita, social support, healthy life expectancy, freedom, generosity, and absence of corruption. These factors appear to influence an individual’s evaluation of their own happiness. If you want to move to the happiest country on earth, book yourself a ticket to Finland (the top 7 are all held by northern European countries). Australia ranks 12th on these dimensions. Not bad. Pipped at the post by our cousins in New Zealand who come in strong at 8th place. Ancient Greeks had two concepts for happiness… Hedonic happiness (happiness derived from pleasure), and Eudiamonic happiness (happiness derived from meaning and purpose). My interest is in the Greek concept of Eudaimonic happiness. Meaning and purpose doesn’t need to be an all-encompassing passion… you don’t need to write a novel or solve a major world problem. Some days, my meaning and purpose is very granular and simple… I was kind to that person, or I shared my resources in a helpful way. By no means am I dismissive of hedonic happiness. Pleasurable activities, play and spontaneity are part of a well-balanced life, essential ingredients for emotional wellbeing. However, if our goal is to achieve a sense of hedonic happiness most of the time, our expectations may fall short… the reality is, if you check out a feelings wheel, we are simply far too emotionally complicated to sustain a happy emotion all the time. Typically, we measure happiness by checking how satisfied a person is with their life. Knowing your values and making decisions based on those values may be one protective factor in being able to score highly when someone next asks you how satisfied you are with life. For me, a healthy goal would be to maintain a sense of peace in life, regardless of where the happiness needle spins to on your feelings wheel. 
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Motivation is the process that moves us toward goal orientated behaviour. When motivation is low, there can be all sorts of issues… loss of self-esteem, frustration, and just not getting sh*t done, to name a few!
Motivation can be extrinsic (external incentives) and intrinsic (personal, internal incentives eg: joy/curiosity, fear). Whichever form it takes, the loss of motivation, stuckness and peaking of motivation are all perfectly normal human experiences. This may not impact you too much as you go through life, however for some people, loss of motivation, or even feeling hyper focused on a goal can be really impairing. There are loads of strategies to deal with this, but for the purpose of this blog post, I’m going to keep it simple. Here are a few steps to assist when motivation is feeling out of balance, or when you are feeling overwhelmed.
Breaking it down…
If you experience chronic low motivation, you may need to seek advice to assess whether this is mental health related, as issues such as depression, anxiety, and attention deficit can play a significant role in motivational dysregulation. Be kind to you, Ange Extra resource: The Pomodoro Timer This is a question I get asked a lot, so this is a super practical blog post to break down the difference between these two fields and to help you make a decision that is best for you. I’ve also added a pros and cons list: you should note, these are only reflective of my personal opinion. What is a counsellor? A counsellor is a person who helps to guide you through challenges you may be having in your life. Counselling is often based on ‘talk’ therapy – meaning you do a fair bit of talking, and as that happens, hopefully come to some new awareness about yourself or the problems you are facing. Counselling is designed to provide a safe and supportive environment. Pros: tends to be very ‘person’ centred and reflect the unique and individual aspects of the client and their problems. Can be less expensive than psychology. Cons: Is not currently supported by a Medicare rebate, does not always use evidence based practice, is not a strictly regulated as psychology. What is a Psychologist? The term “psychologist” is a protected discipline, meaning you must have a degree in psychology, at least 6 years training, and be registered by a professional body. Psychologists are specialists who are trained in human behaviour and treating mental health issues. Psychologists can assess, diagnose, and treat individuals with mental health issues. Pros: lengthy training and strong accountability with governing bodies. Trained as scientists and utilise evidence based practice. Currently can receive a rebate for 10 sessions on a mental health care plan (see your local GP for this) for approximately $80. Cons: Can sometimes feel more ‘clinical’ and less personalised. Some psychologists will focus on, for example, providing Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, to the exclusion of the personal issues the individual is facing. Can be expensive. Summary: Both counselling and psychology have a lot of to offer. What is most important is that you find the right PERSON to develop a relationship with. Regardless of orientation (what type of philosophy/clinical tools) a counsellor or psychologist uses, feeling connected and comfortable with that person is a high predictor of success (Clarkson, 1995). So, be aware that sometimes it takes a few visits to different people to discover what the best fit is for you. https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1995-98195-000  Recently, a client said something quite disturbing to me. I hear a lot of fairly disturbing things during sessions… life is full of suffering and hardship, and so it is difficult to shock me. Here is what she said that made me jolt back in my seat… “I’ve seen a lot of counsellors, but none of them have ever been kind to me about my story, I’ve always been judged”. Um... say what? As a counsellor, part of my job, in fact a very big part of my job, is to model empathy and kindness to clients. And why is that important? So that they can potentially offer it back to themselves. It can be nearly impossible to move forward in life when there is a harsh and judgmental voice inside your head, criticising you and demanding of you. Offering kindness to others can sometimes open a small gateway for their own self compassionate voice to be heard. And when we speak kindly inside our own heads, we encourage ourselves to move forward in an engaged way with life, without dragging around the burden of our self-critic. So, speak kindly to you…you need the encouragement not just from others, but also from yourself.  Control – does it matter? Why do so many people seek it? Humans have a unique ability that the rest of the animal kingdom doesn’t have to contend with: we can contemplate the future. This is an amazing skill which helps us to plan, invent, celebrate, and bring our goals to life. It also helps us weigh the consequences of our choices. For example, if we are planning on going out and having a few drinks with friends, we can anticipate that we will need to organise transport home. This ability to contemplate the future also comes with a dark side. It feeds our biological wiring for anxiety. For some, that anxiety becomes incredibly out of control and dominates daily living. Our minds can fill with dread at all the terrible things that ‘could’ or ‘might’ happen. We can expend huge amounts of energy in the future, and miss what is happening in the present. One way to soothe this anxiety is to try and control our environment, to put everything we can possibly think of in place to mitigate the many disasters we have constructed in our mind. But this can become pretty exhausting, and given the randomness of the world, it means we are outsourcing our peace of mind to chance. So, what to do? Firstly, understand what is happening. This ability of your brain serves both to protect you and to enhance your life. So understand it. Be thankful for it. But don’t let it be in charge. You can access this part of yourself when you need it, but nobody really needs and anxious controlling person over their shoulder all day. That’s exhausting. Secondly, find ways to soothe your body. Being in an anxious state sets of all sorts of physiological reactions in your autonomic nervous system, including appetite changes, increased heart rate, and increased perspiration. Mindfulness meditation is a known antidote to these issues, and helps to soothe and calm your agitated state. Thirdly, come to peace with the chaos of the world. If you have done good, solid work on yourself, the chances are you will feel more confident about your ability to handle what the world might throw at you. Be prepared, but not in an anxious, controlling way – be prepared in a grounded, stable way. The kind of stability that leaves you knowing whatever life throws at you, you will be ok. Work on what goes on inside of you, instead of what goes on outside of you. Don’t outsource your peace of mind. Lastly, know your limits. If you have battled anxiety for a long time, you might need to seek professional help. You might need to see your GP. There could be any number of interventions and support that can help. Eliminate any shame you might have around seeking support… after all, if you wanted to run a marathon, you wouldn’t hesitate to get a personal trainer or a marathon specialist to help you. And life is a marathon, so don’t do it alone.  power noun “The capacity or ability to direct or influence the behavior of others or the course of events.” Within church culture, there has been a long history of sexual abuse. Unfortunately, many victims have had their lives left in tatters after the shattering experience of a trusted, influential, and powerful person taking such advantage of their position. Recently, there has been much in the media regarding child victims of sexual abuse in the church. Fortunately, the Royal Commission has shed light and given a voice to many of these victims. One of the very misunderstood and overlooked populations of church sexual abuse victims are those who are abused as adults. It is estimated that in an average 400-strong church community in the US, 32 people will have been victims of clergy sexual misconduct (Chaves & Garland, 2009). In their study on clergy sexual abuse of adults, Chaves & Garland found that since turning 18, 3.1% of all female congregants reported a sexual advance from a married leader of the church. In the light of this year’s #metoo campaign, it is noteworthy that a silent pool of church victims is yet to be acknowledged. Unfortunately, these victims are often shunned by the church community, and labelled as trouble makers, seducers or traitors of the church. Language, such as 'misconduct' or 'stumbling', distances the abusive behaviour from reality, but not calling it out for what it is. There is great disparity between the view of onlookers and the experience of the victim. One of the key reasons for this is the misunderstanding surrounding the question of consent between pastors/counselors/priests and their congregants. Here are some of the issues to consider:
These three areas – power, vulnerability and the authority of God are some of the key reasons why consent for sexual activity between a pastor and parishioner is impossible. So, what happens when an adult is a victim of clergy sexual abuse? As you would expect, the consequences are devastating and often life-long, including:
If this post has caused you emotional difficulties, and you feel you need support, please make use of the following resources: Lifeline 13 11 14 Beyond Blue 1300 224 636  |
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