STONEWALLING… WHAT IS IT AND WHY IS IT SO TOXIC?
 
All relationships experience degrees of conflict at one time or another. How we navigate these conflicts though, is often predictive of the success of our relationships.
 
The Gottman Institute describes 4 ‘Horsemen’ of relationships and how they might signal trouble when it comes to healthy communication. These four horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. In today’s blog, we will take a look at stonewalling… what it is, and why its SO toxic.
 
Stonewalling is generally described as creating distance and separation in a relationship through withdrawing and closing down communication. This is usually done as a way to avoid conflict. Stonewalling is often a response to overwhelm… so disengagement feels like the best option. However, this response can actually increase stress and negative hormonal responses for both parties, the one shutting down, as well as the one being shut out.
 
Imagine if someone built an ACTUAL wall in front of you… not just a metaphorical one. You could no longer hear them, understand them, see, feel, or touch them. This is what metaphorically happens with stonewalling. Generally speaking, men are more likely to be stonewallers in a relationship, and women more likely to stay engaged. However, if a female in heterosexual relationship is a stonewaller, this is highly predictive of divorce.

​If you’re stonewalling someone, you’re likely to be doing the following:

• When your partner/friend expresses concern, you first feel defensive.
• You avoid arguing/conflict .
• You're willing to jeopardize the relationship in order to be right.
• You're fixated with staying out of trouble.
• You're more interested in avoiding conflict than you are with solving problems.

 
Stonewalling can go beyond just feeling hurtful or frustrating, some say it is a form of abuse. Consistently stonewalling someone can a sense in the other that they have no value. It has an impact on their well being and self-esteem. Common feelings include worthlessness, powerlessness, and hopelessness. Usually, if there has been significant stonewalling in the relationship, the person will need mental health support. Whilst the intent may not be malicious, the results of stonewalling are similar to that of emotional abuse, that is, it is demeaning, disrespectful, and devaluing of the person being stonewalled.
 
Consider this horseman… are you hurting yourself or others with stonewalling behavior?
 
References:
Arangua, M. (2019). Is stonewalling a form of abuse? https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/relations/is-stonewalling-a-form-of-abuse/
Lisitsa, E. (n.d.). The four horsemen: The antidotes.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/

Recently, a client said something quite disturbing to me. I hear a lot of fairly disturbing things during sessions… life is full of suffering and hardship, and so it is difficult to shock me.

Here is what she said that made me jolt back in my seat…

“I’ve seen a lot of counsellors, but none of them have ever been kind to me about my story, I’ve always been judged”.

Um... say what?

As a counsellor, part of my job, in fact a very big part of my job, is to model empathy and kindness to clients. And why is that important? So that they can potentially offer it back to themselves.  It can be nearly impossible to move forward in life when there is a harsh and judgmental voice inside your head, criticising you and demanding of you.

Offering kindness to others can sometimes open a small gateway for their own self compassionate voice to be heard. And when we speak kindly inside our own heads, we encourage ourselves to move forward in an engaged way with life, without dragging around the burden of our self-critic.
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So, speak kindly to you…you need the encouragement not just from others, but also from yourself. 

Sometimes it can be difficult to identify if you are in an abusive situation… particularly when you love the person you are with, and they express love to you.

Here are 6 signs you might be in a cycle of abuse:

1. Your partner doesn’t like you spending time with other people, and actively tries to isolate you from family and friends. Your partner feels like they should be enough to meet all your needs and resents if you need anything from anyone else. Sometimes they also like to control what you eat, wear and how much money you have.
2. Your partner puts you down, belittles you and makes fun of your thoughts/personality/body/hopes and dreams. You often feel like you are hopeless or worthless because of they way you are spoken to. Sometimes this is then followed by your partner praising you for the thing they just criticised you for.
3. You often feel confused about your reality because your partner denies having said things or twists your words into something you didn’t say or mean. You feel powerless to explain yourself or to understand what has happened and feel exhausted by trying to work out reality/truth.
4. You find yourself ‘walking on eggshells’… you are careful about what you do, who you see and what you say, because you don’t know if it is going to ‘set off’ your partner. Seemingly small things will send your partner in to a rage – it could be the tone of your voice, or what you cooked for dinner. Its hard for you to know what will trigger this anger.
5. After an explosion, your partner expresses remorse and may supply you with gifts and loving words. Commonly you hear things like “it will never happen again, I love you so much”, or "please don't leave me, I couldn't live without you.". You often feel guilty after these experiences, because you question whether it was your fault to begin with, and you feel selfish if you stand up for what you need, especially after they have apologised for it.  
6. You seem to have ‘honeymoon’ phases, where everything is ok, things are calm, but they are always followed by a build-up of tension and an escalation to a confrontation. These honeymoon phases make you feel like everything will be ok, if only you can keep the tension at bay.  You just have to make sure your partner is happy. You feel a lot of hope and relief during this period of your relationship, but inevitably, the tension comes again.

 
If these sound familiar, you may want to look into understanding the cycle of abuse a bit more. You can find details here: CYCLE OF ABUSE  Remember, abuse doesn’t always equal violence… you can be emotionally, sexually and financially abused as well. If this post has left you feeling unstable, or like you need support, please reach out for help. 
 
Important contacts:
 
1800 respect: 1800 737 732 www.1800respect.org.au
Lifeline: 131114 www.lifeline.org.au
Relationships Australia 1300 364 277 www.relationships.org.au
 
You can also contact your local police station and speak with a Domestic Violence Liaison Officer (DVLO). A DVLO will:
-Provide you with information about the Apprehended Violence Order process
-Support victims of domestic and family violence through the court process
-Assist victims to access other relevant local support services
www.domesticviolence.nsw.gov.au/get-help/police

Loving people well can be a seriously daunting task! Whether it's your partner, your friend, your brother or your children, we all have moments where we get confused by other people's behaviour, or our intentions are taken the completely wrong way!

The Five Love Languages helps outline a way of understanding how you give love, and how that is interpreted by others. It takes the premise that we all have a 'language' of love, whether that is physical touch, kind words, spending quality time, doing acts of service, or giving gifts, its important to know both how YOU like to express your love, but also how the recipient receives and understands love. Ever done a job for someone and they've been incredibly grateful? Maybe they are an 'acts of service' person. 

We love the book and think that even though it speaks mostly about romantic relationships, that you can take these understandings and apply them to all your relationships... enjoy! 

The Five Love Languages

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