Forgiveness

Though my church days are long behind me, growing up, attending Sunday school, youth group and church was a regular part of my life. One of the key themes of the protestant belief system was forgiveness. We heard about it ALL the time. Forgive; you are forgiven, be a forgiver.

Nobody ever told me exactly what forgiveness was. That set me up for some serious errors in my belief system. Poor teaching and assumptions meant I allowed people to treat me poorly and I struggled with boundary setting, all in the name of forgiveness. Forgiveness meant forgetting. Forgiveness meant letting someone off the hook, not allowing consequences, and forgetting about my injury, pain or suffering. And if I ‘got it right’, forgiveness was a one-off act that was offered to my transgressor. Or so I thought.

It wasn’t until my later years that I started to investigate forgiveness more thoroughly. Life had brought with it enough challenges, that it became important for me to learn how to effectively forgive myself and others. Here is what I have learned about forgiveness, and how to action it.
 
WHAT FORGIVENESS IS AND WHAT IT ISNT:
 

• Forgiveness is for YOU, and not for the other person. It is an act of wellbeing towards yourself.
• Forgiveness doesn’t say what happened is ok. In fact, it does the opposite. It acknowledges specifically what harm was caused.
• You can forgive without the other person knowing (they may not even be alive).
• Forgiveness doesn’t mean freedom of consequences. Your perpetrator may live with the consequences of their action, and you may continue to live with the consequences of their actions also.
• Forgiveness means releasing the hooks of what has harmed you, it doesn’t mean forgetting.
• Forgiveness doesn’t equal being in relationship with someone. It is an opportunity to re-evaluate a relationship and whether it feels safe for you to remain.
• Forgiveness isn’t a once off action. It is iterative, and sometimes has to be actioned over and over again. This is especially true if your harm has many layers which change and unfold over time.
• Forgiveness acknowledges your pain and allows you to grieve for what you have lost.

A WAY FORWARD WITH FORGIVENESS
Here is one script that you may find helpful in your forgiveness journey.
 ______________________________________________________
I acknowledge that I have been wronged, and that I have also wronged others.
I acknowledge that forgiveness is an act of loving kindness that I choose to extend to myself.
I choose to rid myself of the hook which is attached to me, that causes me ongoing pain and suffering.
I recognise that to forgive, I must acknowledge that I am grieving the loss of hopes, dreams, or expectations.
Today, I grieve the loss of ­­­­­­­
(______________________________________________________)
I choose not to avoid the pain of this loss and acknowledge that supressing this pain causes me more suffering.
I freely choose to forgive.
(take a mindful breath)
I forgive you
(take a mindful breath)
I forgive you
(take a mindful breath)
I forgive you
I acknowledge that in this moment of forgiveness, I am taking care of myself. I also acknowledge that I will need to practice this frequently, in order to free myself from emotions or ruminations which hold my life back. I reclaim my life and take a step towards the present moment.
__________________________________________
Be kind to you, Ange
 
Acknowledgement:
I am grateful for the work of Dr Jennifer May
​in guiding some of the text for this post.