Stonewalling...What is it, and why is it so harmful?

STONEWALLING… WHAT IS IT AND WHY IS IT SO TOXIC?
 
All relationships experience degrees of conflict at one time or another. How we navigate these conflicts though, is often predictive of the success of our relationships.
 
The Gottman Institute describes 4 ‘Horsemen’ of relationships and how they might signal trouble when it comes to healthy communication. These four horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. In today’s blog, we will take a look at stonewalling… what it is, and why its SO toxic.
 
Stonewalling is generally described as creating distance and separation in a relationship through withdrawing and closing down communication. This is usually done as a way to avoid conflict. Stonewalling is often a response to overwhelm… so disengagement feels like the best option. However, this response can actually increase stress and negative hormonal responses for both parties, the one shutting down, as well as the one being shut out.
 
Imagine if someone built an ACTUAL wall in front of you… not just a metaphorical one. You could no longer hear them, understand them, see, feel, or touch them. This is what metaphorically happens with stonewalling. Generally speaking, men are more likely to be stonewallers in a relationship, and women more likely to stay engaged. However, if a female in heterosexual relationship is a stonewaller, this is highly predictive of divorce.

​If you’re stonewalling someone, you’re likely to be doing the following:

• When your partner/friend expresses concern, you first feel defensive.
• You avoid arguing/conflict .
• You're willing to jeopardize the relationship in order to be right.
• You're fixated with staying out of trouble.
• You're more interested in avoiding conflict than you are with solving problems.

 
Stonewalling can go beyond just feeling hurtful or frustrating, some say it is a form of abuse. Consistently stonewalling someone can a sense in the other that they have no value. It has an impact on their well being and self-esteem. Common feelings include worthlessness, powerlessness, and hopelessness. Usually, if there has been significant stonewalling in the relationship, the person will need mental health support. Whilst the intent may not be malicious, the results of stonewalling are similar to that of emotional abuse, that is, it is demeaning, disrespectful, and devaluing of the person being stonewalled.
 
Consider this horseman… are you hurting yourself or others with stonewalling behavior?
 
References:
Arangua, M. (2019). Is stonewalling a form of abuse? https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/relations/is-stonewalling-a-form-of-abuse/
Lisitsa, E. (n.d.). The four horsemen: The antidotes.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/

Photo by Haidan Soendawy on Unsplash