The Case for Self Compassion

For the first 40 years of my life, I considered self-compassion to be the enemy of my success and wellbeing. Being my own task master felt like the best way to deal with what I considered as inherent laziness, incompetence and lack of intelligence. These were challenges I felt would be overcome if I could critique myself strongly enough. I had very little framework or understanding for how life would look without my inner critic. I felt I would stop all together.

This way of thinking was problematic from a number of perspectives… it continually led me down a path of burnout, it meant I did not recognize the abuse and poor treatment of others when it came my way (as it sounded so familiar to how I treated myself), it meant I consistently had poor boundaries with myself and others, and I failed to live a life centered on my values.  Like most of us, I wanted a successful, fulfilling life with a peaceful undertone -  and my reliance on self-criticism wasn’t tenable for those goals.
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Let me argue the case for a better way… self-compassion.

What it is and what it isn’t: Self-compassion isn’t self-esteem (your evaluation of yourself). Self-compassion also isn’t self-pity. Self-compassion is the state of being aware of, and open to, one’s own suffering rather than avoiding difficult emotions. Then, extending non-judgmental kindness toward yourself, in recognition of the common human experience. We are all in this shit together, we all wrestle, and we are all imperfect. Self-compassion assumes we are ALL worthy of understanding. To avoid falling in to self-pity, true self compassion has three essential components:

1: A kindness to self in response to our suffering
2: Awareness of our common humanity – we do not suffer alone, and we are not imperfect alone; we have a shared human condition
3: Mindfulness: having a non-judgmental, non-catastrophizing approach to our imperfections and difficult life experiences

I generally like to take a values-based approach to things in life, and I don’t assume that compassion is an important construct for everyone. One of the reasons I have worked hard to bring self-compassion to my life, is so that I can offer it in a sustainable way to others, because that matters to me. However, they are my values, not yours. What may interest you are some of the other benefits associated with self-compassion…here is what the research says:

• Improved goal mastery and goal achievement
• Improved life satisfaction
• Improved psychological well being
• Decreases in anxiety and depression
• Improved workplace well being
• Reduced burnout
• Reduced neuroticism and psychopathology
• Positively associated with physical health
• Improved immunity
• Improved sleep
• Increased danger avoidance
• Improved adaptive coping

 
So, regardless of whether your values center around your physical health, your relationships, your career, or your personal development, it seems that self-compassion offers something to everyone. Self-compassion is not weakness… it improves inner strength as you now have an internal ally, rather than an internal enemy.

Be your own best friend…

Ange

​PS: You might never be rid of your inner critic, but with improved skills in the self-compassion area, that part might get a little quieter and let you get on with the business of life.

THIRD PARTY RESOURCES FOR SELF COMPASSION: 
The Centre for Mindful Self Compassion 
Psychology Podcast: Kristen Neff

REFERENCES/THE RESEARCH: 
Self compassion and emotional intelligence
Self Compassion and health
Self Compassion and coping